Dear Newbie Guy,

The breed standard for the Golden Retriever states, "Primarily a hunting dog." What are the characteristics of a real hunting dog?

Melanie Foster, Palo Alto, CA

Dear Melanie,

My cousin Cooter knows everything there is to know about worm beds and real huntin' dogs. If he's not at a family reunion looking for a date, you can bet he's out huntin' with his dogs. Recently, I visited cousin Cooter to deliver tickets to a tractor pull and a brass spittoon for his mom (tragically, the family heirloom ceramic spittoon broke when it fell off the end of her ironing board). Cousin Cooter is always eager to share his wealth of knowledge about real huntin' dogs, so while I helped him install a new 8-track player in his pickup, I seized the opportunity to ask him about real huntin' dogs. Based on what he told me, I've devised an easy-to-use real huntin' dog test. Answer each question below and add up the points to see if you own a real huntin' dog.

1. If you observed your dog suckling soon after birth, deduct one point. Real huntin' dogs are born huntin' wild game, not their mother's teat.

2. If your dog has a name, deduct one point. Real huntin' dogs only respond to "dawg".

3. If your dog chases his tail, deduct one point. Real huntin' dogs only chase coons and possums.

4. Deduct one point if your dog eats from a food dish. Real huntin' dogs get their own food through cunning, resourcefulness, and intelligence, and can survive a bitter winter eating snow and the bark off trees.

5. Give your dog a bath. If he growls, add one point. Real huntin' dogs hate to take a bath.

6. If your dog has ever been on a grooming table, you can stop taking this test now.

7. If you trained your dog, deduct one point. Real huntin' dogs hunt by instinct alone, and don't need to be trained like some Russian circus dog wearing a pink tutu.

8. If your dog has tartar buildup on his teeth, deduct one point. Real huntin' dogs maintain pearl-white teeth by gnawing the bones of foofoo show dogs.

9. If your dog plays Frisbee or Flyball, deduct one point. Real huntin' dogs engage in only two activities, sleepin' and huntin', and when they're sleepin', they're dreamin' of huntin'.

10. Tell your dog to heel. If he nips your heels like a range cattle dog, add one point. No real huntin' dog worth his salt would suffer the indignities of obedience commands.

11. Throw a bumper and tell your dog to fetch. If he bites you, add another point. Real huntin' dogs only retrieve game, and become extremely agitated when tricked into fetchin' something you can't cook for dinner.

12. If you took this test, deduct one point. Real hunters don't take tests.

Now, add up all your points. If you have more points than teeth, CONGRATULATIONS! You've got yourself a genuine real huntin' dog!

© 1999 Christopher Glaeser. All Rights Reserved.