“A true friend is one who can play the pipes but doesn't.” — Anonymous

“C'mon Guido, be a pal and toss me a couple of bones. Can't you give me at least one idea to help me get started?"

“No way! If you won't include my name on the byline, I'm not going to help you with your silly little dog column."

“Fine! You leave me no alternative but to employ the All My Children contract negotiation technique."

“You don't mean …”

“Yes, I mean I'll write a piece where your character is killed in a freak dog show accident."

“You wouldn't dare!”

“Wouldn't I? Well how about this… It was a dark and stormy night at the National Specialty. Our superhero Christopher eased behind the wheel of his shiny new forty-eight foot motor home with leather interior, wet bar, big screen satellite TV, and king-sized waterbed. He started the engine, admiring the loud rumble of the twin turbochargers, dual four-barrel carburetors, aluminum alloy heads, and six hundred fifty horses. He shifted into reverse and backed over his sidekick Guido, squashing him like an abused chew toy.”

“Oh good grief. How can I help you, oh great and powerful superhero?”

“You can help me respond to one of these Dear Newbie Guy letters that I received in the mail. Here, this first letter begins, 'Dear Newbie Guy, I love your column and I think you are incredibly handsome.'”

“I think I'm going to be violently ill. Skip the suck-up introduction and get to the question.”

“Be quiet or I'll read from the beginning again. Now where was I? Oh yes, '… and I think you are incredibly handsome. My dog needs one major to finish but we consistently take reserve. At last count, we had nine reserves. Do you have any advice?'"

“Isn't it obvious? Any simpleton with the brain of a foo-foo show dog can see why she keeps taking reserve. Winners dog is apparently outbidding the tightly-rolled twenty-dollar bills she is placing between her dog's cheek and gum."

“Damn-it Guido, can you be helpful just this once!”

“Relax Newbie Guy, don't get your undies in a bunch. I was only pullin' your leg. I'm reminded of the lessons I learned from my conformation instructor, Master Po.”

“Let me guess. Master Po asked you to snatch a milk bone from his hand and had you walk on rice paper to teach balance on the down and back.”

“Look silly man, do you want my help or not?”

“Sure, sure, about Master Po, what lessons did he teach you?”

“According to Master Po, the most important lesson to remember in conformation is to have fun.”

“You mean like the time you went to the Top Twenty in your tuxedo and strolled from table to table saying, 'Hi, my name is Guido, want to pull my finger?'”

“Ha, ha, ha! I never will forget the looks on the faces of the professional handlers. Just as I held out my finger, someone pulled a chair across the floor making a loud rasping noise and they all ducked for cover.”

“Master Po would have been proud. What else did he teach you?”

“Well, in addition to teaching us the importance of having a good time, he taught us to establish a set of goals, and then focus on one goal at a time.”

“You mean like focus on the Show Dog Hall of Fame first, and put off winning Best in Show at Westminster till later.”

“Precisely! So, advise your gentle reader to enjoy the breed ring while remaining focused on that last major. Oh, and one more thing. Regarding her comment that you are incredibly handsome …”

“Remind her that she's overdue for that eye exam?”

“Bingo!”

© 1999 Christopher Glaeser. All Rights Reserved.