“And now here's something we hope you'll really like!”
    — Rocky, “The Bullwinkle Show”

Cathy Turner, editor of Golden Retriever Review, catches up with the Newbie Guy at ringside during a recent dog show. Let's listen in …

CT: Marcia Schlehr tells me you two are working on an exciting project together to publish a new book titled The Illustrated Golden Retriever.

NG: Yes, Marcia has asked me to contribute some of the drawings. I just happen to have my folder of sketches with me. Here, take a look.

CT: Wow, these are exceptional. I see you have many talents.

NG: Thanks Cathy. I guess all those Snoopy doodles during algebra classes are starting to pay off.

CT: Speaking of exciting projects, I read a blurb in People magazine that Steven Spielberg has started production on the Newbie Guy movie. What can you tell us about the project? Has the cast been selected?

NG: The studio has budgeted $200 million for the project. Liam Neeson is thrilled with the script and desperately wants the lead role, but nothing has been signed yet. As they say in Hollywood, his people are talking to our people.

CT: Is it true that Mattel is involved with the production of the film as well?

NG: Yes, that's right. To coincide with the release of the Newbie Guy movie, Mattel is creating a complete line of Newbie Guy toys. Bruce Schultz and Laurie Jordan action figures are already coming off the assembly line. They are really cool...

Christopher! Christopher! Wake up pal! It's me, Guido.

Huh? Oh, sorry, I must have dozed off for a few minutes.

Look Christopher, I had to pull a lot of strings to get you this job as assistant dog show grounds keeper, and I'd appreciate it if you could manage to stay awake. The show superintendent has been shouting your name over the loud speaker for ten minutes. A Great Dane in ring five had an accident the size of a Toyota, so gather up your bucket and pooper scooper and get over there pronto.

Sure thing Guido, I'll get right on it.

By the way, while you were lying there napping, I overheard you mumble something about a Newbie Guy movie. What on earth was that about? Did you have another one of your off-the-wall weirdo dreams that you were the superhero of the dog world again?

C'mon Guido, what do you take me for, a dweeb?

Is Kirby a champion? Is Anne Clark a judge? Is Westminster a dog show?

Very funny kibble breath, you're a million laughs.

Christopher, let me pass on some advice that Master Po once gave me that may help you put things into perspective. When you start out in dogs, you don't know anything, and you know you don't know anything. Along the way, you manage to put a few points on your first dog, and then you start to think you know just about everything there is to know about dogs. You needn't worry, though. One day you'll be doing something mundane and unglamorous like cleaning the wax in your dog's ears or scraping the tartar off his teeth, and it will occur to you there's much more doggy road ahead than the few measly points you've managed to amass.

Measly? You call eight points measly? Why that's half way to a championship.

That's all well and good my superfriend, but I think you're missing my point.

Hey listen Guido, I'd love to stay and chat, but my services are urgently needed in ring five.

Knock yourself out, poop boy.

© 1999 Christopher Glaeser. All Rights Reserved.