“Rule 6. There is no rule six.” — Monty Python's Flying Circus

DON'T let your dog sleep in your bed. It will cause aggression problems down the road.

DON'T make your dog sleep in a crate. Crate is just another word for small cage.

DON'T let your dog sleep outside at night. If God had wanted dogs to sleep outside, he would have covered their body with hair to keep them warm.

DON'T let your dog sleep. You should be playing with him at all times.

DON'T keep more than two dogs. Each individual dog requires considerable time and energy, and it is impossible for a responsible dog owner to spend quality time with more than two dogs.

DON'T keep less than five dogs. Dogs are pack animals, and five dogs is the minimum number for proper socialization.

DON'T feed your dog kibble. Kibble is the invention of evil capitalists who want your money. Kibble has no nutritional value whatsoever. You might as well feed your dog sawdust.

DON'T cook your dog's meat or chicken. Cooking destroys all the nutrients.

DON'T feed your dog raw meat or raw chicken. Raw food contains salmonella, e-coli, and other harmful bacteria.

DON'T let your dog drink out of a plastic bowl. It will turn his nose pink.

DON'T post messages to a dog list. You will surely get bopped on the head for thinking that someone cares about your silly little opinions.

DON'T lurk on a dog list. Everyone will know you are a weenie.

DON'T unsubscribe from a dog list. As soon as you do, everyone will start talking about that tacky dress you wear in the ring. If you had any sense of style, you would have buried that dress with Rin Tin Tin.

DON'T poke your eye with a sharp stick. It has nothing to do with dogs, but it's a good rule nonetheless.

DON'T microchip your dog. A nearby cell phone can cause a microchipped dog to explode, or so says the lady running the tattoo booth.

DON'T tattoo your dog on the ear. A dog thief will cut off the tattooed ear.

DON'T tattoo your dog on the thigh. He'll be a tripod before you can say Ginsu.

DON'T keep a collar on your dog when unattended. He could get caught on something and choke.

DON'T leave your dog unattended without a collar. He could run away without any identification.

DON'T let your dog run off-lead in the woods without an e-collar. He might start chasing a rabbit and never come back.

DON'T ever use an e-collar on your dog. How would you like to be strapped to an electric chair in a Florida prison?

DON'T transport your dog in a plastic crate. Plastic crates don't allow sufficient air flow.

DON'T transport your dog in a wire crate. In a car accident, a wire crate transforms into a doggie skewer. On days you plan to have a car accident, it's acceptable to use a plastic crate. But, don't use a plastic crate and then come home without any major bodywork needed, or you're in deep doo doo.

DON'T let your dog drive. It's against the law in many states.

DON'T let your dog run around intact. Spay/neuter are the best form of birth control, and they reduce the chances for some types of cancer.

DON'T spay or neuter your dog. How would you like it if someone cut off your family jewels?

DON'T enter your dog in conformation. It's b-o-r-i-n-g for the dog.

DON'T enter your dog in obedience. It's B-o-r-i-n-g with a capital "B".

DON'T enter your dog in agility. The jumps will injure his joints.

DON'T hunt with your dog. Dead birds are yucky.

DON'T send your dog out with a handler. Only a psychopath would send their beloved pet with a complete stranger.

DON'T handle your dog yourself. You've got a great dog, and he deserves a much better handler than you will ever be.

DON'T get a purebred dog. Too much inbreeding has produced dogs with temperament and health problems.

DON'T get a mutt. You don't know anything about their pedigree. In fact, if you're thinking about getting a dog, get a cat instead.

DON'T. That's right, you heard me, just don't!

DON'T give your dog a subscription to Dog World. He will pretend to read the articles, but will drool on the pictures of nude bitches instead.

DON'T make woopee with your significant other while your dog is in the room. It will mess up his head. It will confuse the dog as well.

DON'T make woopee with your dog. What, you need a reason for this one?

DON'T shave your dog in the summer. The other dogs will laugh and call him names, and he'll never be invited to chase reindeer.

DON'T leave your dog's dewclaws intact. He will rip one off jumping a log or something, which is quite painful.

DON'T remove your dog's dewclaws. Dewclaws are acupuncture points that are needed for proper functioning of the kidneys.

AND, the #1 DON'T ....

DON'T trim your dog's whiskers. Dogs use their whiskers to determine the size of their head, which is important when they are out shopping for a new hat.

© 1998 Christopher Glaeser. All Rights Reserved.