What a lovely day at the Del Valle dog show in Pleasanton, California. Excellent weather made even better by the many friendly people and great looking dogs. It also marks another small step in my transition from newbiedom. (\nu'-be-dum\ 1: inexperienced; 2: a place where newbies congregate)

As is typical of any dog show, it was a group effort getting the dogs groomed and ready for the ring. We were all borrowing and sharing grooming tables, dryers, electrical outlets, combs, brushes, leads, and other paraphernalia. Just as the 9 to 12 class was about ready to enter the ring, I grabbed THE brush on Levi's table and went to ring side to watch. At the time, it looked like any other brush, but I would soon learn that this was no ordinary brush.

About ten minutes later, Teddy Arnes, THE brush owner, comes running over, out of breath and white faced, and says, “Oh thank goodness, I couldn't find my Mason Pearson, and I was hoping it was with you”. I responded, “Mason what? Oh, this brush, yeah, I just brought it to ring side in case Levi decides to roll on the grass”. Well, being a newbie, this conversation went right over my head.

Later in the day my friend Tom Burton suggests I get a Mason Pearson brush. Seems he didn't like the $3 mail order brush I had purchased for Levi. He says they are pricey, but very nice brushes. I figure, hey, what's a few extra bucks if the brush does a better job. So, off I go towards the vendor booths, whistling a little happy tune in my head, to purchase my very own Mason Pearson brush.

Then, I discover the price of a Mason Pearson brush. Can you spell Cardiac Arresting Sticker Shock? I can't even write the amount, because my keyboard does not have numbers that go that high! At first, I thought the sales clerk was discussing the national debt or how many stars are in the universe, but then I realized she was actually referring to the price of a Mason Pearson brush. The next thing I remember, I was flat on my back with a paramedic hovering over me shouting “CLEAR!”.

As the crowd dispersed and I put my shirt back on, the sales clerk hands me a Mason Pearson Loan Application (Donald Trump doesn't carry this much cash around). After checking references with the bank, the clerk opens a large safe and hands me a box containing the fabled “Mason Pearson” brush. Wow! My very own Mason Pearson, or MP, as they say in grooming circles. With luck, I should have the Mason Pearson loan paid off about the time Levi finishes.

The clerk explains, “This is a really great brush. In fact, you can brush people hair with it”. HELLO?!!! I use a .39 cent plastic comb to part my hair, and it works just fine, thank you very much. A brush this expensive should not just part follicles, it should magically restore hair on large bald mange spots.

The Mason Pearson brush even comes with another brush to clean it. WELL I SHOULD DAMN WELL THINK SO! For a brush this expensive, you don't put your grubby little fingers between the bristles and pull out dog fur by hand. In fact, I plan to use yet another brush to clean my Mason Pearson cleaning brush.

Now that I think about it, a brush this expensive should clean itself. Even better, it should automatically groom the dog. Yeah, that's right, I should just place the brush on the grooming table next to Levi, and presto, instant grooming!

I have one teensy weensy suggestion for the manufactures—include an owner's manual. The Mason Pearson brush comes with instructions written on one small piece of paper. Typically, when I purchase an item in this price range, oh, say for example my Lear jet, I've come to expect a thick owner's manual.

Speaking of the instruction sheet, it actually states, and I quote, “not designed to be used on animals”. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Do you mean to tell me I spent the equivalent of Indonesia's GNP on bristles with a handle, and now the warranty is void after one grooming session?

Of course, part of the expense is shipping the Mason Pearson brush all the way from London, England. May I offer one money-saving tip to the suppliers. STOP SHIPPING VIA THE DAMN CONCORDE! For crying out loud, use a boat or something!

If I thought for one minute that my wife was using a brush this expensive on her hair, it would be my lawyers calling her lawyers. Which reminds me, if you happen to see Yolanda at an upcoming show, for heaven's sakes, please don't mention this article, at least until I've paid off the Mason Pearson loan. Shhh, mums the word.

© 1998 Christopher Glaeser. All Rights Reserved.