Ted Koppel of ABC's Nightline recently interviewed the GRNews Newbie Guy regarding his opinions on golden retriever conformation. Here is an excerpt from that interview for those readers who may have missed the original broadcast.

Nightline: Given that you are so new to golden retrievers, why did a renowned publication like GRNews ask you to write a column?

Christopher: Two words, Ted—journalistic integrity. No nonsense. No fluff. In short, I deliver Sgt. Friday just-the-facts-mam reporting. Most importantly, no butt sniffing brown nosing exaggerated superlatives. I'm confident this unwavering integrity will secure my tenure with GRNews. At least, I hope so, because I truly enjoy working with Sylvia Donahey-Feeney, who is without a doubt the kindest, most generous, knowledgeable, intelligent, extraordinarily beautiful, hard working, magnanimous, courageous, distinguished, incredibly gifted, and exceptionally talented editor in purebred dogs today.

Nightline: Is there anyone you admire in the show ring?

Christopher: I admire all the handlers in the show ring, because they make it look so easy. On the other hand, we newbies should not be intimidated by handlers. In particular, I discourage all newbies from bowing or genuflecting when in the presence of veteran handlers. After all, handling looks easy, because, well, it is easy.

Think about it, Ted; all they do is walk a dog on a leash in a ring. I mean, it's not like they are training circus dogs to dance on tight ropes wearing tutus with a bowling pin balanced on their nose while leaping through flaming hoops or something. Now a performance like that would deserve a genuflection. But walking a dog on a leash? No, I don't think so.

Nightline: I understand you brought your dog with you to the studio. Can you give us a handling demonstration?

Christopher: Sure, Ted, I'd be happy to demonstrate. First, let me get my dog. Levi, Come! Levi! Levi, Come! LEVI, GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE! Oops, sorry, I guess I shouldn't be shouting b-u-t-t on national television. Anyway, Levi seems more interested in eating your green room furniture at the moment, so let me demonstrate on myself.

OK, first, we slip this choke collar over my head like so. Now then, you take the end of this lead and pull to the left. OUCH! Careful, Ted, not so hard! OK, notice how I follow you to the left? Now, pull very gently to the right. See how I follow you to the right? It's just that simple. If Levi would hold still long enough for us to get this collar on him, you'd see it is just as easy with a dog.

Nightline: Do you have any favorite dogs in the show ring?

Christopher: Oh, Ted, there are so many gorgeous golden retrievers in the ring today, it's really hard for me to choose a favorite. I had the opportunity to play with Shaq last summer, and he is certainly a handsome dog. Here again, though, we newbies should not be intimidated by such a grand specimen. Granted, he has breathtaking movement, excellent structure, captivating attitude, luxurious coat, and a trusting expression, if you are into those sorts of things, but at the end of the day, he has to raise his tail to poop just like my dog.

OUCH! Did you do that on purpose?! Let me get this choke collar off before you pull that leash again!

Nightline: And that concludes tonight's broadcast. Join us again tomorrow night for what I'm sure will be a more informative edition of Nightline.

Christopher: What do you mean by "more informative"? Ouch! OK, OK, I'm leaving the set! … Ouch! … Ouch! … Ouch!

© 1998 Christopher Glaeser. All Rights Reserved.